this job, this therapy.

almost every morning I arise... ready, or somewhat ready... with a clear head. it is so early. sometimes kiko will have disturbed my sleep by running a few midnight laps around my bed. sometimes he will actually stomp on my face while in the midst of a sprint. for a moment, I will want to almost end his cute little life for this. but once I am aware of how much I enjoy not sleeping my life away, I become incredibly grateful. he contributes to forcing me out of something which has greatly limited me in my past... too much sleep and not enough life.
sometimes I will wake up with troubling thoughts. worried for someone. or maybe I will have a dream about my past so realistic that I feel frozen under my warm blanket.
when it comes down to it, though, I absolutely have to be up and ready for work and willing to interact with people I know, sort of know, hardly know, or have never met before, by the time 7am rolls around. and all I want is to make their day happier. because I know that some of them roll into the coffee shop after waking alone, waking to screaming babies, waking to argumentative spouses, barking dogs, construction workers, disgruntling jobs... generally unpleasant (yet realistic) ways to begin a day.
let me just say that I love everyone. every single person I meet. I want them to be happy. I want them to feel like life is worth living and I want them to realize that life is so much more enjoyable when you can live knowing that you make others lives more pleasant through simple gestures of kindness. or just smiling at a random stranger for no reason other than just wanting to share a happy thought.
I'm not fake about being perky in the morning. I don't pretend that I am happy to see people. I am actually happy to see them. If they find that I react with anything other than happiness, then it is because I am genuinely set back by an action they have chosen to make. disrespect, for me or for themselves... watching a person limit themselves out of fear... it is a human thing to do, but I often find that I want someone to kick me out of a state of stagnation. all I would like to do is push them to break the shells they put around themselves.
I have found life to be extremely trying at times. I'm pretty sure my whole life has been continuously tough learning experiences. there are days when I would like to have had it some other way, but most days I wouldn't have had it any other way. this life, the things that I have seen... the things that every person has seen, it is all relative. and life is always going to be that way. each day is going to bring about a new and interesting challenge. and the most important thing for me to focus on is the next step. the next step in solving a problem, which may be best put as "the next step in improving my situation" (a little positive twist to subside the fear).
well, I suppose these are just some wandering thoughts of mine... a lot of it is pep talk for myself. reawakening this something inside of me that keeps me moving.
the whole point of this blog entry is to remind myself why my job, my very social, very early, very energizing coffee job is like therapy to me.
because if I didn't have it, I'd be a mess of a recluse. you'd never get me out of this house. ever.


Alan P said...

I'd get you out of the fuckin' house. That's why I own a pair of boots. I have a hard time staying inside here.
I think that this particular blog has you encompassing what a wonderful person you are and what a bitching example you set for the way everyone should live. What a nice place, earth, if everyone could have your sensibilities and compassion. When I came to Portland I decided one of the best things I could do for myself is adopt your philosophy, as difficult as it was for even you to live it out at times, I knew you knew what the world needed more of. And the example you set is a beacon of hope-light when the darkness closes in on anyone. Thank you for being who you are and living the way you do. I can feel the wave of joy you spread way over here in the Northwestern wilderness. It spins me and makes me giggle. Dominos. I love you.

frogpoet said...

there have been many times in the past where i would wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed. i'd lay there for a little bit, and then the thought would strike me : 'hey, maybe laurel is at the coffee place.' and that has actually gotten me out of bed. the small bit of conversation you share, even if its no more than a simple 'hello', is a huge ray of sunshine. it really does make a difference. i've had my whole day "switched on" as it were by that little greeting, and i'm not exaggerating. im sure there are hundreds of people at that coffee place that feel the same way. we all care for you laurel, and appreciate what you do. if you wake up in the morning and feel that burden of having to interact with others as part of your job, always remember that it is worth it. sometimes we dont show our appreciation to you enough; sometimes those of us with emotional IQs of 10 (such as myself) show it too much and end up saying things that are out of place, or which just seem plain goofy. i feel horrible any time i realize after the fact that i've caused you discomfort. even though i am half-way through life i still plod along making errors here and there and trying to learn from them; we all do that, and we'll all continue doing that until the end of time. so chin up laurel :^) we're all in this boat together.